


Quondam

by morifiinwe



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Childhood, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Nirnaeth Arnoediad, kingship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23284513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morifiinwe/pseuds/morifiinwe
Summary: Maedhros’s life is marked by series of losses. It’s not going to get better.———For Feanorian Week Day 1
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28
Collections: Feanorian Week 2020





	Quondam

**_quondam (adj.)_ **

__ __ _ that once was; former _

i.

When they were children, Maedhros had taken the lead. He was the eldest, the tallest, and therefore, naturally in charge. Third Finwë, his father had proclaimed, equal parts a compliment to his son and an insult to his brother. Maedhros had never quite known what to think about that, so he generally avoided it. The subject of Fingolfin never settled well in their household, so Maedhros, as the leader, made sure it was avoided by all of his brothers. As for himself, he tried to put the matter out of mind. It didn’t matter anyhow. They were in Valinor, no one—save Míriel, and they rarely talked about her either—died. There would never be a need for a third Finwë, or even a second, and Maedhros could go by Maitimo and Russandol his entire life, was happy to, even.

Sometimes Maedhros looked back on his younger self and smiled.

Sometimes he cried though, because there was a need for a third Finwë now, and there never should have been, because mere months beforehand Kano had been struggling to cope as the fourth, and Maedhros ached with the injustice and the grief of all of it. He wanted to go back to a simpler time, but Maitimo had been lost at Alqualondë, Russandol, while still whispered, was a lover’s name, and Neylafinwë had never fit him well. There was no way back across the sea. They had to keep going forwards. Somehow, Maedhros still had to lead.

ii.

There was no regret in his heart when he knelt before Fingolfin and gave him the crown. His brothers regarded him with varying amounts of shock and anger, but Maedhros would not move from this course. If they must put old joys behind them, then they must move past old rivalries too.

Fingolfin had always deserved both Nolofinwë and Nelyafinwë anyway.

iii.

“Russandol,” Fingon murmured against his lips.

Maedhros sighed in response, finally letting the last of the tension slip out of his shoulders and jaw. Fingon usually had that effect on him, whisking him back to the days of their youth, before the ever present weight of grief settled in their lives. Maedhros tried to do the same for him when they saw each other. He was never quite sure if he managed it. Fingon always seemed cheerful, but that was just his manner, and it disguised all sorts of turmoil inside. He tried his best to shoulder part of the burden. It was the least he could do when he himself had shucked off kingship like an unwanted coat.

“Yes Findekáno?” he murmured in response, kissing Fingon quickly, before he could start to complain he was being ignored. Maedhros was well used to Fingon’s attitude at this time in the evening. The complaints were never in earnest, but he did like the attention. They never saw enough of each other.

“I want you to tell me we’re going to be okay.”

The request surprised him.

“Are you afraid?” he asked, concern straining his voice. He tucked a lock of hair behind Fingon’s ear.

“No, but I think you are. I want you to say it until you believe it’s true.”

Fingon was right. Fingon was so often right.

“We’ll be okay,” he turned to bury his face in Fingon’s hair, “we’re going to be okay.”

iv.

They were not okay. Nothing would ever be okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m back! (again)
> 
> my exams have been cancelled so i have six month with very little to do, and hopefully i’ll be writing more. i’ve got some ideas lined up for feanorian week, the next chapter of little soldiers is in the works, as well as the nienor fic i’ve been working on for the past few months.
> 
> please leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed this! they make my day


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